里根幽默集

我希望你们都是共和党人-- 遇刺后，在手术室里，见到外科医生的第一句话

我已经比同时代人活长了二十年--这也令一些人非常困扰。

“要做爱，不要战争”（游行示威标语）。里根看了，一皱眉道：可惜啊，你们两样都不行。

面对指责他开会打瞌睡，里根说，我多么希望下次专门开个打瞌睡的会啊！

不要担心赤字，它已经大的足够照顾好自己。

在加州还没有商业是对好奇心进行补贴的-- 面对愤怒的示威学生

经济衰退就是你的邻居失去了他的工作；大萧条就是你自己失去了工作。经济复苏就是吉米。卡特（前美国总统）失去了他的工作

一个演员怎么可以成为总统呢？记者问。一个总统怎么可以成为演员呢，里根答道。

一个美国人冲进白宫，敲打里根总统办公室的台面，对美国总统嚷道：我非常不满意你管理国家的方式！
一个苏联人冲击克林姆林宫，敲打戈尔巴乔夫总书记的台面，对总书记嚷道：我非常不满意里根管理美国的方式！--里根举例什么叫民主。

农民：政委同志，粮食大丰收，堆的高高的，都堆到上帝的脚下了！
政委同志：请注意，苏联是没有上帝的！我们只有斯大林。
那么，就没有粮食。

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency - even if I''m in a Cabinet meeting."

"It''s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ''I''m from the government and I''m here to help.''"

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You''d be surprised. They''re all individual countries"

"My fellow Americans. I''m pleased to announce that I''ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes." -joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

I''ve never played a governor." -asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be

"Facts are stupid things." -at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things"

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."

"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance."

"There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears." -on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

"You can tell a lot about a fella''s character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." -explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings

"Honey, I forgot to duck." -to his wife, Nancy, after surviving a 1981 assassination attempt

"I hope you''re all Republicans." -speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent''s youth and inexperience." -during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

"The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." -responding to student protests on college campuses during his tenure as California governor

"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let''s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we''re going to succeed."

"As a matter of fact, Nancy never had any interest in politics or anything else when we got married."

"I''ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

"I''m afraid I can''t use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." -refusing a gift of a mule

"What we have found in this country, and maybe we''re more aware of it now, is one problem that we''ve had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."

"How are you, Mr. Mayor? I''m glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" -greeting Samual Pierce, his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, during a White House reception for mayors

"My name is Ronald Reagan. What''s yours?" -introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, "I''m your son, Mike," to which Reagan replied, "Oh, I didn''t recognize you."

"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing."

"What does an actor know about politics?" -criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who''s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood''s bid to become mayor of Carmel

"How can a president not be an actor?" -when asked "How could an actor become president?''