里根幽默集

我希望你們都是共和黨人-- 遇刺後，在手術室裡，見到外科醫生的第一句話

我已經比同時代人活長了二十年--這也令一些人非常困擾。

「要做愛，不要戰爭」（遊行示威標語）。里根看了，一皺眉道：可惜啊，你們兩樣都不行。

面對指責他開會打瞌睡，里根說，我多麼希望下次專門開個打瞌睡的會啊！

不要擔心赤字，它已經大的足夠照顧好自己。

在加州還沒有商業是對好奇心進行補貼的-- 面對憤怒的示威學生

經濟衰退就是你的鄰居失去了他的工作；大蕭條就是你自己失去了工作。經濟復甦就是吉米。卡特（前美國總統）失去了他的工作

一個演員怎麼可以成為總統呢？記者問。一個總統怎麼可以成為演員呢，里根答道。

一個美國人衝進白宮，敲打里根總統辦公室的台面，對美國總統嚷道：我非常不滿意你管理國家的方式！
一個蘇聯人衝擊克林姆林宮，敲打戈爾巴喬夫總書記的台面，對總書記嚷道：我非常不滿意里根管理美國的方式！--里根舉例什麼叫民主。

農民：政委同志，糧食大豐收，堆的高高的，都堆到上帝的腳下了！
政委同志：請注意，蘇聯是沒有上帝的！我們只有斯大林。
那麼，就沒有糧食。

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency - even if I''m in a Cabinet meeting."

"It''s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ''I''m from the government and I''m here to help.''"

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You''d be surprised. They''re all individual countries"

"My fellow Americans. I''m pleased to announce that I''ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes." -joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

I''ve never played a governor." -asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be

"Facts are stupid things." -at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things"

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."

"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance."

"There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears." -on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

"You can tell a lot about a fella''s character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." -explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings

"Honey, I forgot to duck." -to his wife, Nancy, after surviving a 1981 assassination attempt

"I hope you''re all Republicans." -speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent''s youth and inexperience." -during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

"The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." -responding to student protests on college campuses during his tenure as California governor

"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let''s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we''re going to succeed."

"As a matter of fact, Nancy never had any interest in politics or anything else when we got married."

"I''ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

"I''m afraid I can''t use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." -refusing a gift of a mule

"What we have found in this country, and maybe we''re more aware of it now, is one problem that we''ve had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."

"How are you, Mr. Mayor? I''m glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" -greeting Samual Pierce, his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, during a White House reception for mayors

"My name is Ronald Reagan. What''s yours?" -introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, "I''m your son, Mike," to which Reagan replied, "Oh, I didn''t recognize you."

"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing."

"What does an actor know about politics?" -criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who''s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood''s bid to become mayor of Carmel

"How can a president not be an actor?" -when asked "How could an actor become president?''